Not so long ago, in a galaxy not so far away…
…there lived a sort of princess named Hillary. From the very beginning everyone knew she was special, for even as a young girl, she created an alternate reality from which she could look out but no one could see in. It would serve her well in the years ahead. Little Hillary spent her formative years in Park Ridge, a small wealthy planet in the Chicago Nebula. As an older child, she babysat other children so their parents could work in the fields, although there were no farms in the area. Remember, since she had created an alternate reality, anything was possible.
Hillary had another special gift. Whenever she talked to people, she could sound just like them! This proved a useful talent at The Academy, where our heroine learned to fly from one side of an issue to the other and back again without passing through any wormholes. Combined, these abilities were formidable especially once, seduced by the dark side, she was transformed into the evil lord Darth Hillary.
The pull of her destiny was strong and she was drawn toward a small planet to the south, nearer the sun, where they had real farms. There were pigs, chickens and livestock of all kinds, like Black Panthers, which gave her the opportunity to use some of her book-learnin’ from the Academy. Still, Hillary felt an emptiness. All her life, she knew something was missing. Perhaps it was a personality. No, that couldn’t be it; she never needed one before.
Aided by a mechanical mask, she patiently watched the twin red suns rise and set many times while her alternate reality grew to huge proportions. At last she met the sleazy Governor B.J. Tarkin, who completed her training and said, “Put on your pink pants suit and follow The Force with me. We will slash and burn our way to Washington on the outer rim, where we can form a loosely structured partnership and rule the galaxy.” Wow! A galaxy of her very own! Maybe she could even become the president! “Not so fast,” said Governor B.J. “Me first.” So, control stick in hand, he slipped the bonds of gravity from Whitewater Spaceport and guided their battlecruiser toward the unsuspecting life forms that populated the lands to the north.
When The Force is with you it’s easy to make voters believe what you say, especially those who are a few fries short of a Happy Meal or don’t speak English. And so, with Hillary at his side, Tarkin became president. She was at his side when he decimated the Galactic Fleet; she was at his side when he ignored several stealthy attacks by the Rebel Alliance. She was not at his side when he had a tryst under the Imperial Desk with a drag queen from Felatatia…but she waited dutifully in the wings when he lied under oath to the Senate and was impeached. As his second term in office drew to a close, they even took away his pilot’s license for 5 years, so Darth Hillary would have to do the flying from now on. Alas, the little girl from the Chicago Nebula, all growed up now, stuffed B.J. into the back of their battlecruiser, packed her pink pants suit, along with some silver and china, and headed still further north toward the bright center of the universe.
Would her tongue-saber be her undoing? How long could she hide her dedication to the dark side? What will she do about ‘her boy Bill’ to make herself seem respectable and satisfy her insatiable quest for power? These and other questions will be soon be answered in the next episode of Hillary Wars!
R.S.F.
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